Well kids, the NBA trade deadline has come and gone, and again fans across the league are either celebrating their booty and/or mourning their losses.
OH GOD! The Rockets got Bobby Jackson for Bonzi Wells and Mike James! Big trade!
Ric Bucher says that Ron Artest is going to get traded to the Milwaukee Brewers for that giant Chorizo!
As we all clamor and breathe for our chance to play General Manager, and to wear out that ESPN Trade Machine, nearly every February most of the speculative trade talk is met with, well, disappointment.
It is this swell of conjecture and postulation that makes me absolutely insane.
The only thing in this world that is acceptable to blindly muse about is Lost. And even then you have no god damn idea what you are talking about.
I flood this website’s Shoutbox with tongue in cheek trade ideas to see what folks have to say. Last night I eagerly announced “The Pacers are trading Rik Smits to Phoenix for Wayman Tisdale!”
The response I got from trade talk-slaphappy fans: “I’ve never heard of those guys” or “It’s just two benchwarmers swapping squads”. Truth is, the Dunkin’ Dutchman hasn’t worn the Blue and Yellow uniform since 2000 and Wayman Tisdale is now a Jazz musician.
I got to thinking, what if the NBA Trade Deadline applied to the rest of the universe. What if I could make crackpot trade propositions! What kind of bizarre and irreverent ideas could I come up with!? How would I break these deals down?
The Deadline Deals
General Mills trades Boo Berry to Kellogg’s for Frosted Flakes:
A real blockbuster, I know.
Kellogg’s severs ties with their sugary version of Corn Flakes, and in return acquire one of breakfast’s spookiest cereals.
This deal might hurt the Mills’ “Sinister Cereal” big three, but just imagine a big heaping bowl of Count Chocula, FrankenBerry and Frosted Flakes teaming up for a morning run.
That’s a breakfast fit for a champion!
Apple trades Cover Flow to Microsoft for Minesweeper:
In 2006, Apple debuted Cover Flow with iTunes, the most useless way to view your album covers. In 2007, they integrated it into OS X Leopard. It even found a way onto my iPod!
Guess how many times I have used it?
Now Minesweeper on the other hand, I could conceivably waste hours playing the Window’s classic.
I trade any pen I am handed for a pencil:
I do not like pens. Period.
They are smudgy.
They are not conducive to my positive penmanship.
Pencils however are my go to utensil. They have a delete key and my handwriting looks a million times better when written in graphite glory.
The Laker radio broadcast trades Spero Dedes and Mychal Thompson to the Laker television broadcast for Joel Myers and the rights to Jack Haley:
Spero and Mychal will join Stu on the perch, while that Wino, Joel Myers goes the AM airwaves.
I think Mychal would thrive in the “three man” commentary setting, occasionally chiming in with a pun about Sasha (“That jumper by Sasha was VujaSICK!”), while Spero flawlessly calls the play-by-play and Stu sticks to his general You-do-what-you-do-and-you-do-it-so-well thing.
On the radio side of things, Joel is bought out and Jack Haley, who was included in the vein of Aaron McKie and Keith Van Horn, joins in name only.
With Myers and Haley out of the picture, the Lakers return to the days of the simulcast.
I can hear Stu’s voice now “…on the Lakers basketball network.” As you can tell, I’ve thought this one out long and hard.
The Democratic Party trades Hillary Clinton to the GOP for Mike Huckabee:
I like this for both sides. It assures the nomination for Barack Obama, and it makes me feel better about liking Mike Huckabee.
Huckabee is no longer the bane of the Republican’s existence and Hillary going to the GOP is like Johnny Damon joining the Yankees. She loses her identity and fades into oblivion. It just makes sense.
Although the likelihood of any of these brilliant deals coming to fruition is remote at best, I still think it’s a hell of a lot better than talking about Caron for Lamar.