Varstiyoptimism’s Pre-NBA Finals Routine

Step A: Wake up in a cold sweat screaming and cursing the names of Kevin McHale, John Havlicek and Danny Ainge.

Step B: Pace around bedroom screaming at and punching anything green.

Step C: Marinate in ESPN Classic’s nonstop NBA Finals marathon.

Step D: Repeat Step B.

Step E: Pinch self to see if this Lakers/Celtics matchup is real.

Step F: Look at calendar to see if it is Thursday yet (if calendar is green, repeat steps B and D).

Step G: Fall asleep to the sweet sights of the Lakers in 1985 hoisting up the trophy on that parquet floor.

Now, after nearly one week of that grueling and mentally draining schedule, the Finals (written in cursive) are here!

Gone are Kareem and Worthy’s goggles, Magic’s grin, Larry Birds afro-mullet and trash-stache, McHale’s paperwhite skin, and questionable smoke emanating from the Chief’s nostrils.

They have been replaced by Pau’s vulture-esque appearance, Kobe’s butterfly tattoo, Kevin Garnett’s weird pube-like goatee and an adorable extraterrestrial critter named Sam Cassell.

It is Really Happening: Lakers and Celtics in the NBA Finals. The last time this happened, yours truly was 10 months away from being BORN! LOST was a full 17 years from premiering! I will finally have a reason to hate the Celtics besides the blind, shrieking anger I felt from musty old videotapes.

Let’s just hope Brian Scalabrine doesn’t clothesline Sash.

So, gone are the Gahden and the Fabulous Forum. Gone is Riles and gone is Red. Suffice it to say, this is not 1987. This is not 1966. This is 2008: a whole new era of the Green & White versus the Purple & Gold.

Varsity Prediction: If there is a God, Lakers in five!

Television –

National: ABC (Mike Breen, Jeff Van Gundy & Mark Jackson)

Radio –

Los Angeles: AM570 KLAC (Spero Dedes & Mychal Thompson).

Boston: WRKO 680 AM (Sean Grande & Cedric Maxwell).

Injuries –

Celtics:

  • Out: T. Allen (Achilles)

Lakers:

  • Out: A. Bynum (Knee)
  • Will Play: K. Bryant (Pinkie)

Storylines –

Laker Offense vs. Celtic Defense: Kobe said it himself when asked what Celtic basketball is. He remarked that there was nothing special, just “great defense all the time”. The Lakers high velocity and astute offense will run smack into the Celtics robust defense. Good thing the Lakers are hitting a defensive stride at the right time.

Juxtaposition: “I guess that’s one thing I’m happy I did not win.” That was Kobe Bryant referring to a conversation he and Paul Pierce had last summer at UCLA regarding who would be traded first. Just remember that one year ago, the Lakers were in shambles and the C’s were withering away, lamenting their lottery misfortunes. What a difference a year (and two blockbuster trades) makes.

Varsity Challenge –

(Prize – a certificate stating that you are “Wicked Smahhhhht”.)

How freaken excited are you for this series?

  • L.A.alltheway

    YEEE LETS SHOVE SOME PURPLE AND GOLD UP THOSE CELTICS BUTTS!

  • Zackloveslakers

    HO00000000LY SHIT! GO LAKE SHOW! GO LAKE SHOW! GO LAKE SHOW! KILL ANY GREEN PEOPLE AHHH! PURPLE AND GOLD. PURPLE AND GOLD(and sometimes white) GO LAKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

  • magicbalala245

    LET’S GO LAKERS LET’S GO LAKERS LET’S GO LAKERS LET’S GO LAKERS LET’S GO LAKERS LET’S GO LAKERS LET’S GO LAKERS LET’S GO LAKERS LET’S GO LAKERS

  • Zackloveslakers

    GO LAKE SHOW! PURPLE AND GOLD. PURPLE AND GOLD(and sometimes white) WOOO! KILL ANYTHING GREEN!!!!!!!!!!!! GO LAKERS. KOBE! PAU! VLAD! FISH! LAMAR! FARMAR! MBENGA!!!!!!!! SASHA!!!!!!! LUUUUUUUUKKEE! RONNY! ARIZZAAAAA. COBY KARL. NEWBLE! CHRIS!!! THE ZEN MASTER. AND SPARRO DEDES AND MYCHAL THOMPSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • varsityoptimism

    [Comment ID #38174 Will Be Quoted Here]

    spero

  • maccassedy

    LETS DO THIS..TAKE GAME1 WILL WIN DA SERIES 4SHO…PERKINS 2 PHYSICAL HOPEFULLY HE COMES OUT 2 FIRED UP PICKUP 2 FOULS..RAY GETS 2 FOULS GAURDIN KOBE ITS A WRAP…FISH WANT B GAURDIN NOBODY SO HOPEFULLY WHILE HES DOUBLIN KG N PAUL HE DONT GET N FOUL TROUBLE HOPEFULLY NOT WE NEED FISH N

  • Lakers 24 7

    Out On a Limb : D-Fish crosses Ray Allen, bounces the ball off Paul Pierce’s head, it ricochets off the backboard, and D-Fish goes up and dunks it on KG amd breaks the backboard, the glass shatters and cuts KG, Allen, and Pierce and they have to hospitalized and the Lakers take game 1 127 to 74.

  • Sako

    “They have been replaced by Pau’s vulture-esque appearance, Kobe’s butterfly tattoo, Kevin Garnett’s weird pube-like goatee and an adorable extraterrestrial critter named Sam Cassell.”

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  • 123KID

    im goin crazy cuz its only several hours away!!!! i think i got sick or somethin cuz im gettin major LAKER FEVER!!!!!

  • Majic “Big” Johnson

    GO MIGHTY LAKE SHOW!!!! CRUSH THE LITTLE LEPRECHAUNS!!!

  • nazanin

    I MIGHT JUST GO CRAZY BEFORE THIS STARTS!!!

    TWENTY HOURS AND THIRTY-SIX MINUTES UNTIL DOMINATION!

  • http://myspace.com/thaonlyrhom RD

    im getting more nervous by the hour! the time is coming my fellow laker fans! the time is coming! i feel like OJ Simpson when he was on trial! lol.

  • varsityoptimism

    [Comment ID #38185 Will Be Quoted Here]

    oh.my.god. best comment EVER!

  • Sako

    [Comment ID #38181 Will Be Quoted Here]

    Laker Fever a major epidemic, spreading across LA. For Laker Fans, it causes hourly orgasms. For Laker Haters, it causes headaches, nausea, dizziness, vomiting, diaherra, and constipation.

  • varsityoptimism

    [Comment ID #38187 Will Be Quoted Here]

    dont forget rectal bleeeeeeeeding!

  • Freshh

    BIG TIME GAME!
    Remember Phil Jackson is 41-0 after Winning Game 1.

    Lets Get that W
    Lakers WiN!!

  • Sako

    [Comment ID #38188 Will Be Quoted Here]

    Ya, that too

  • http://thelakersnation.com kb24 4life

    i think we can win game 1, get some confidence, and someway steal game 2, can you imGINE THat happenin… come back to LA 2-0…:) go LAL…

  • http://losangelessource.com/lakers/ Lane

    I think this will be a very entertaining series

    Lane
    http://LosAngelesSource.com

  • LAHova12

    LETS GO LAKERS!!! I’m ready to see D Fish destroy Rondo, Kobe drop bombs over Boston, and show the Celtics the international slaughter we are about to bring to them. HE IS THE MACHINE!!!

  • LakersAllDay

    Going to be a tough series. Key here is defense!

    20+ Points: Kobe

    10+ Rebounds: Gasol, Odom

    2+ Blocks: Odom

    3+ 3-Pointers: No One

    Closest To A Triple-Double*: Kobe

    Point Margin: Boston’s first time against the new and improved Lakers so ill say they will make mistakes…Lakers by 5

    Out On A Limb: 5+ technicals called out

  • 123KID

    NIGHT LAKERNATION! get some rest or stay up! but keep your lungs well rested until tip off begins! TOMORROW WE END THAT SO-CALLED BOSTON DYNASTY!!!!!!1

  • Celtics0-4

    I’m getting nervous ,knowing that many people from around the world are going to watch this to. But in all Celtics is going to crush the Lakers in 4-2 sorry guys!Go Lakers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!out on a limb: Kobe gets injured in his face!

  • http://yahoo markco2

    cant wait to see kg’s teary eyes..

    lakers in 5!!

  • http://www.deluxpro.com LakersPartyJune8th

    Let’s do this mang!!!

    Bring it ON!!! The Lakers have the best chance to win in Game 1 because Boston won’t know what to expect.

  • http://myspace.com/plummerrocks Machinehead18

    20+ Points: Kobe and Odom

    10+ Rebounds: Gasol and Odom

    2+ Blocks: Gasol

    3+ 3-Pointers: Sasha

    Closest To A Triple-Double*: Kobe

    Point Margin: Lakers by 6

  • K0be08-09

    20+ Points: Kobe And Gasol

    10+ Rebounds: Gasol, Odom

    2+ Blocks: Gasol

    3+ 3-Pointers: Kobe, Fisher

    Closest To A Triple-Double*: Kobe

    Point Margin: Lakers by 3

    Out On A Limb: KG cryes and tells the world that he should of came to LA

  • The Mamba

    20+ Points: Kobe

    10+ Rebounds: Lamar

    2+ Blocks: Ronny

    3+ 3-Pointers: –

    Closest To A Triple-Double*: Kobe

    Point Margin: Lakers by 7

    Out On A Limb: Trevor will play 48 minutes

  • Joaquin

    In Spain the enviroment is crazy. It will be the first time 10 millions of ppl get themselves awake at 3.30 AM only for watch Lakers-Celtics in the TV and cheer Gasol.

  • http://www.deluxpro.com LakersPartyJune8th

    That’s funny!!! People waking up at 3am to see a game… Its going to be insane I tell yah!!!! oh yeah.

  • KOBEISKING

    UGH FINALLY ITS THURSDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • domidomdomz

    A fine and great execution in offense and aggressiveness in D is what we need for game 1. This game is huge coz it’s game 1. I hope all our guys especially the role players and the bench mob do it great. We really need them to step it up for us to win.

    GOODLUCK LAKERS!!!
    BEAT BOSTON!!!

  • sK

    I have shortness of breath and no appetite, is this normal?

    Anxious, Excited, Nervous, Confident all in one.

    My two keys – Get REBOUNDS! and hit OPEN 3’s. The execution of the offense will do the rest opening the middle for Pau, Odom, Kobe.

    As Laker Fans, we are all in this together. Positive thoughts all day fellas. Positive thoughts.

    I believe that for the Celtics this is the most important game of the series. We take this, we take their foundation for success in this series.

  • Joaquin

    Gasol has talked this morning with the spanish press. He said he´s very lucky to be in an epic final of the NBA, than the NBA finals are more awesome by far than the World Cup final, and that he´ll do everything to win ’cause Garnett is already in the elite, and he wants to be in it too.

  • http://myspace.com/hzm hZm

    Today is the day!

  • DCLAKER

    OURTIMEISNOW.com,NO MORE BELIEVIN’…KNOT IT,4-1,LAKERS!!!

  • mplakers

    it’s funny that the lakers are the younger team and the celtics are the older veteran team and yet, the lakers have the championship experience and the celtics do not. (sam cassel exception)

    let’sssss go llllaaakkkeerrrssss…common kobe and phil solidify your place in history!

  • lakerfan81

    Out on a limb: Mbenga Clotheslines Perkins, and Kobe hits a junior junior sky hook for the win.

  • betafish

    Lakers baby!!!!

  • Thomas

    Who, honest to God, thought that the Lakers and Celtics would play for the championship this year, and here we thought that it would be Pheonix, San Antonio, or Detroit’s year…I can’t wait till tonite. Lets Go Lakers!!! Lakers in 5 or 6, Boston is too tired.

  • http://twitter.com/nugge7 The Nugget

    Am sweating bullets right now but am loving every second of it.

  • pjt

    Boston is going to try to beat the Lakers with tough defense and their big three, and perkins. The Lakers have to counter that with tough D, and as for Kobe Bryant, he has to tune in, and have a good shooting percentage in the finals, ie make more than he misses per game… He does that and the LAKERS should win…

  • sammie

    C’mon Lakers!!! let’s take game one and show those damn Celtics just who the heck there dealing with here!!!

  • RC

    We all know Kobe will have a supurb game but we also need LO to drive the lane and slam dunk every chance he gets. No lay-ups just slam dunks! If LO can open the lane this will help outside shooting for Derek and Sasha. Pau has his work cut out for him and so does Kobe so we need some unexpected attacks from our Western Finals Champions!!!

    Let’s Go Lakers!

  • http://thelakersation.com/blog PauKobeBynumDynasty

    Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!Lets go Lakers!!!…and yes i did type that all out

  • http://thelakersnation.com/blog PauKobeBynumOdomDynasty

    Lakers in 5.

  • DingleBerry

    How freaken excited are you for this series?

    I’ve been walking around with a stiffy all week!!!!

  • imfasterthanur

    “Out On a Limb : D-Fish crosses Ray Allen, bounces the ball off Paul Pierce’s head, it ricochets off the backboard, and D-Fish goes up and dunks it on KG amd breaks the backboard, the glass shatters and cuts KG, Allen, and Pierce and they have to hospitalized and the Lakers take game 1 127 to 74.”

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

  • BringDFishBack

    20+ Points: Kobe, Fish

    10+ Rebounds: Odom, Kobe

    2+ Blocks: Odom, Turiaf, Ariza

    3+ 3-Pointers: Fish, Farmar

    Closest To A Triple-Double*: LO

    Point Margin: Lakers by 1 (3 at the buzzer by Fish).

    Out On A Limb: PJ actually uses Ariza when they need some defense.

  • SiKWiDIt

    20+ Points: Kobe, Lamar

    10+ Rebounds: Gasol, Odom

    2+ Blocks: Odom, Turiaf

    3+ 3-Pointers: Farmar, Vlad

    Closest To A Triple-Double*: Lamar

    Point Margin: Lakers by 3

    Out On A Limb: Garnett takes off his jersey because of a bad call from a ref and the entire lakers organization start to spit on the jersey after drinking yellow gatorade making the jersey yellow.

  • west213

    If LA wins the opener….they got the series locked down.

  • Paul

    20+ Points: Kobe, Odom

    10+ Rebounds: Gasol, Odom

    2+ Blocks: Pau, Turiaf

    3+ 3-Pointers: Vujacic, Vlad

    Closest To A Triple-Double*: Kobe

    Point Margin: Lakers by 5

    Out On A Limb: Ariza gets a lot of playing time and posterizes Kevin Garnett.

  • DCLAKER

    TO ALL OF LAKERNATION,IT’S OUR TIME,IT’S OUR YEAR,IT’S OUR CHAMPIONSHIP….WE ARE THE BEST!!!

    SMELL-TICS.com,IF YOU KNOW WE’LL GET THAT ‘CHIP BACK IN LA,GIVE ME HELL YEAH…….

  • http://getgasol.com getgasol

    It is I, the prophet who said the Lakers would “get Gasol” way back in training camp when everyone else thought I was crazy.

    My prediction for the finals:

    Lakers win game 1
    Celtics win game 2
    Lakers win games 3, 4 & 5

    Lakers in 5. The prophet has spoken.

  • Big Phil

    Pau stop playing like a f_ckin p_ssy and grab some damn rebounds.
    LO make ur f_ckin free throws damnit, don’t shoot from the outside, and jump up when u defend a shot…not just stand there with ur 1 arm up.
    Get back on Paul Pierce on transition defense…don’t f_ckin leave him open.

  • Big Phil

    DON’T PLAY FLUKE!!! FLUKE CONTRIBUTES ZERO!!! PLAY ARIZA!

  • Big Phil

    GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABBBBBB THE FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKINNNNNNNN REEEEEBOUNDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD PAU U PUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

  • GoLakers

    Not good when Pau is moved off the block and getting outhustled by 38-year old PJ Brown.

    Lakers need to have more than just Odom and Pau rebounding cause they can’t do it between the both of em…need to have Kobe maybe help out on rebounding…can’t rely on non rebounders like Vlad and Luke.

    So I guess the league has already chosen their champions…was that like a bazillion touch fouls called on the Lakers?!

  • lakerferlife7

    FUKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK…..PAU PLAYED LIKE A FUKING LITTLE BITCH…..LAMAR ONCE AGAIN DIDNT SHOW UP………..FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • kpoabue

    OMG!!!! What was wrong Phil hello does it ring in ur head. Play Ariza. if you dont play him why did we get him in the first place. Whats wrong
    Pau and Odom. Fisher and Kobe did everything they can to keep up with them. We have to better win fkin Game 2 or else LA is not going to be Fkin Happy understand!!!!!

  • kpoabue

    I also wish PAul broke his foot omg i felt so happy when he fell down and went to the lockers.

  • rrrr

    yeah all u laker F A G S. boston won game 1. they killed garbage kobe. kobe played horabe shooting 9 for 26 wat a ball hog.

    BOSTON 2008 CHAMPS!!!!!!

  • west213

    [Comment ID #38273 Will Be Quoted Here]

    the prophet is mistaking

  • west213

    [Comment ID #38295 Will Be Quoted Here]

    well i fuked ur mom during d game…missed d game….not big deal

  • lakerferlife7

    fuk all boston fans..u got lucky thats the best u could fukin play and thats about the worst the lakers have played inda playoffs…kobe aint lebron he will come back wit 30 and 10 assits…lakers in 6…FUK BOSTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • gugy

    Calm down everybody.
    Lakers played really bad on the second half and it was just not our night.
    We need to steal one in Boston. Next game Kobe will play much better. Guaranteed.

    We learned a lot tonight. Pierce injury was fake in my opinion. He figure out going out of the game and coming back would lift the crowd and the team. That trick won’t work again.

    Hope guys, this is just game 1.

    F U C K Boston!