The Ten Commandments

    After 76 contests, 50 victories and 15 Kobe Bryant technical fouls, I have come to a point where I cannot remain silent any longer. I am, in fact, mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore.

    After every game, win or loss, we are treated to a wonderful post-game program on AM570 called Lakers Line, in which fans can phone in their opinions, gripes, quibbles, anecdotes and nonsensical ramblings to host (and my personal hero) Matt “Money” Smith.

    The only problem with this is that Laker fans blatantly misuse this phone forum for evil.

    And this is not some newly formed opinion. I have been rolling my eyes at callers since Stu was the host and Lakers Line aired only following home games.

    But rejoice my brothers and sisters, for I have descended down the Mountain and I have been given Ten Commandments for calling into the hallowed and revered Lakers Line.

    As Brad Hamilton once told Jeff Spicoli “Learn it, know it, live it.”

    I. Thou Shalt Not Complain About How Long You Have Been on Hold.

    If you are familiar with Lakers Line at all you know that one of the few rules is that if you complain about the length of time you have been on hold…you get put back on hold. Think of it as a timeout to think about what you’ve done. It sounds simple, but you would be amazed at how many people begin their conversation with a “Wow! I can’t believe I finally got through, I was on hold for an HOUR!” Do not be mistaken. Money will throw you back into queue faster than Lamar will hoist up and ill advised three-pointer.

    II. Thou Shalt Not Play GM.

    Is your name Mitch Kupchak?

    Did you just get off the line with an envoy from the Milwaukee Bucks?

    Are you a direct descendant of Jerry West?

    If you answered yes to any of the queries, then congratulations, you have earned the right to blindly postulate about player personnel. If you do not meet this specific criteria, unfortunately, you must accept the roster as currently constructed. No talk of sending a bag of cash to Minnesota for Al Jefferson (somebody named Lightning actually suggested that one). No “we should sign…” or “we should trade…” This pointless and futile behavior is irresponsible and undermining to the Front Office.

    III. Thou Shalt Not Take Phil’s Name in Vain.

    This is elementary. Phil Jackson has NINE championships. Yes, his methods may be unorthodox and at times his rotations can be questionable, but something he does works. He has led his teams to Fifty win seasons on all but three occasions, and is a member of the Basketball Hall of Fame. Enough said.

    IV. Thou Shalt Not Be A Know It All.

    Again, there are some conditions here. Unless you are Ric Bucher, Mark Heisler or you get paid to have an opinion about basketball, you are classified as a fan. Fans know one facet of the game, and that is what they see before their eyes. Do not come on the radio and feign that you know something more than what ol’ Patty O’Neal or John Ireland tells us from the sidelines.

    V. Thou Shalt Not Argue With Money.

    This happens more frequently than you’d think. Remember, Money works for the Lakers. He isn’t just some beardy dude who got his hands on a radio microphone and some wattage. His information and opinions are based on years of experience and first hand accounts. As far as Lakers Line goes, Money is infallible.

    VI. Thou shall always have great look-alikes.

    If you think a player or coach bears some sort of a resemblance to another person, fictional character or inanimate object, let everybody know. It is imperative that we all can share in these doppelganger delights. If you are unfamiliar with how this process works, here are some examples:

    - Phil Jackson and Sam the Eagle.

    - Andrew Bynum and a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

    - Pau Gasol and Beaky Buzzard.

    - Javaris Crittenton and Charlie Murphy.

    - Anderson Varejao and Sideshow Bob.

    - Kwame Brown and a pile of bricks.

    - Chris Mihm and Dr. Jack Shephard from LOST.

    VII. Thou shall make fun of the Television broadcast team.

    Spero and Mychal are off limits for they are champions.

    As for Joel and Stu, it is open season.

    Take your best shot and, for God’s sake, make it count.

    Whether it is their petty arguments about Andrew Bynum’s development:

    Joel: He’s going to be a 20-10 guy in the near future!

    Stu: Don’t you put that kind of pressure on him!!!!

    Ambiguously homosexual quips:

    Joel: Pau, with soft hands, down low.

    Stu: They got caught ballwatching on that play

    Joel: Lamar stuffs it in!

    Stu: He shouldn’t be afraid to get down and dirty with the big boys.

    The Television Broadcast team must be held accountable for their missteps and vapid commentary.

    VIII. Thou Shalt Take Answers Off the Air.

    If you call in with a specific, one faceted question, simply ask, and get off the phone. I hear people breathing into the phone. I hear people yelling at their kids. It is my favorite thing in the entire world when people utter their inquiry and say those magic words: “…and I’ll take your answer off the air.”

    IX. Thou Shalt Never Reference a Box Score While Calling.

    I know you are reading from it. I know the Internet is freaking awesome and that that +/- is arguably the most interesting stat ever, yet that job is not yours. I don’t need you to tell me that Sasha was 6/13 from three-point range. I don’t need you to tell me that “Noodles” Nick Young was a -11 while Jordan was a +13. It is not good radio fodder.

    X. Thou Shalt Turn Your Radio Down!

    It never fails. At least once a show the call begins with the typical greeting, followed by a cacophonous sledgehammer of feedback. This is the radio on a seven second delay. It makes communication impossible and unbearable. The bad news is, you are not going to get to hear yourself on the radio. It is just not going to happen. If you really need the ego stroke or instant nostalgia of hearing your voice talk to Money, visit AM570radio.com and just podcast the show.

    Do no subject us to your narcissism.

    It is both unfair and irritating.

    Follow these these simple guidelines and you will not make a complete blockhead of yourself on local radio. And I will not make fun of you in my articles. And you can actually have salient conversations about a team we all love and cherish. I know I may seem caustic, but rest assured, I am merely trying to protect the sanctity and holiness of Lakers Line.

    varsityoptimism is a TLN Staff contributor, you can contact him at varsity_optimism@theLakersNation.com.

    • adam

      terrible idea to rename the site kobenation. lakers fans are kobe fans. lakers come before kobe though. trade kobe and im still a die hard laker fan. move the lakers, and id barely be an interested kobe fan.

    • MILO

      What about Turriaf as predator? you guy’s are lame that like the most obvious one out there.And Pau as the ostrich!

    • lakersfan

      Adam…can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic or not, but the whole LakersNation changing to KobeNation thing is an April Fool’s gimmick (hopefully…haha).

    • DCLAKER

      aDaM,it’s an APRIL FOOL’S JOKE,HEE-HEE,HAW-HAW and all good that stuff and WHO THE HELL WOULD DISS “THE KING OF LA” Mitch Kupchak. They should be shot and killed for that,straight to execution,no trial ,no jury(PULP FICTION).

    • Phant0M

      Agree with this….

      people down playiN phil too.
      smh

      good ish

    • Short Diezel

      I disagree completely with this article.. who are you to tell us “fans” what we can and can’t say, or how to think?

      We love the Lakers as much as you do.. therefore we are entitled to vent and offer our opinions.. right or wrong.. that is the essence of sports, and especially these sports shows..

      To blindly accept the way things are solely based on who they are is ignorant..

      We are fans.. excuse me LAKER FANS and our voice will be heard.. word

    • http://lakers.com k0be da 1 andonly

      [Comment ID #31272 Will Be Quoted Here]

      its a joke dude calm down

    • varsityoptimism

      [Comment ID #31280 Will Be Quoted Here]

      there is a right way to criticize your team and a wrong way to criticize your team.
      most, not all, but most callers on lakers line are so fickle and fairweather. but then again, so is steve hartman.

      and the essence of sports is not the fan’s critiques. the essence of sport is the game. and when the buzzer sounds, it is over. no matter how much you dissect the events that have transpired, win or loss, the only thing you can do is look forward on the schedule and see who is next and hope that problems will be addressed by the COACHING STAFF, not the callers on Lakers Line.

    • pjt

      I grow tired of Money…since he joined with P…he always tries to be funny to keep up with P’s stupidity. And Money is not funny in any way, and P is uggggggg. I can’t believe P draws a paycheck from that station, he brings no insight, and he thinks he’s all that just because he does a reality TV show. I like Money when he is straight ahead, serious and adds some good insight. I think he has been poisoned by P’s annoying stick.

    • Tim

      HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA @ the Joel and Stu quotes

    • Short Diezel

      [Comment ID #31288 Will Be Quoted Here]

      Please tell me the right and wrong way to criticize your team.. because I thought the definition of criticizm is “to judge or DISCUSS the merits and faults of”.. that is the American way..

      Just because Phil Jackson has won 9 titles doesn’t mean we can’t critique his coaching.. he is human as is Kupchak and Money.. obviously their experience gives them more credibility, but in no way does that warrant no criticizm.. as with anyone else, when you have done something for so long you tend stick to patterns and certain types of behavior.. but that isn’t necessarily the most efficient or effective way of doing things..

      You need the ideas and feedback of other people so you can see the strengths and weaknesses of any idea..

      Again, we only criticize because we are so passionate about the team.. so everyone’s opinions or evaluations deserve to be heard.. they might necessarily be correct, but as a loyal fan they earned the opportunity to present their argument

      And I agree with you, the essence of sports is the game.. but the game is nothing without its players or fans.. and their views included

    • http://nba.com JAY

      another dumb article written by this dude
      I completely disagree w/ this article just like “Short Diezel” said is
      on point as Lakers fans we are entitled for our own opinion. who gives a
      sh*t if were not getting paid based on our opinions. as fans we say we gotta say we spend a lot of time/money watching the Lakers I understand profanity
      in the air is unacceptable but you can’t just be telling people what to
      be thinking about when it comes to voicing opinions about their team, you don’t really have to agree to what each fan says but fans..they say what they want to say..we pay to see these games and people that work for the Lakers organization get paid because of the fans period. so don’t be telling “us” fans what to do. alright??
      you get the point.

      and if that’s the case then this show should not be on the air..there’s no point if fans are not allowed to voice their
      opinions…what’s the main point of the show?? can you answer that??
      it is for us “FANS” right??

      you even said it yourself:
      “After every game, win or loss, we are treated to a wonderful post-game program on AM570 called Lakers Line, in which fans can phone in their opinions, gripes, quibbles, anecdotes and nonsensical ramblings to host (and my personal hero) Matt “Money” Smith.”

      this article should be taken off it really does not make any sense
      to me at all or for the Lakers fans

    • http://kb24.com JT MONEY

      i agree w/ Jay this person that wrote this article should be fired from the Lakers Nation staff seriously.

      fans are human beings they got feelings just like everybody else and for you to tell us what to do on how to voice our opinions for our love
      for the Lakers is a coward. i say that because if you’re going to take
      everything seriously then you must be a dumb person don’t get mad…i’m only being real.

      i don’t understand why a person like this guy would write something like this. this place is called the LAKERS NATION right? where it
      supposedly unites “ALL LAKERS FANS”,,

      its just another “BLOGGER” crying because he can’t handle the truth.
      we pay to watch and see these Lakers games..we spend a lot of time
      keeping up w/ the Lakers and if you can’t handle the truth then you should blogging somewhere else because this article just shows how this “varsityoptimism” is not a real Lakers fan at all. we’re having an amazing season why write pointless articles telling fans what they’re suppose to say and not say.

      i don’t know i think this guy was just bored as hell and he had nothing to write about so he starts writing some BS.

      as a TRUE LAKERS FAN this blogger should be relieved of his duties..
      if it wasnt for the fans, KB24 putting pressure on the Lakers management to make changes then we would still have Smush and Kwame on this team and not even be in the damn Western Conf race.

      this is just ridiculous…”10 COMMANDMENTS” my a** i’ll bet you don’t even know what the real ten commandments are if ask you in person.
      shoot.

    • varsityoptimism

      easy gentlemen… cant please all the people all of the time. id love to have a conversation about your views. email me and we can open up a dialog! i know i may have some controversial opinions about what the responsibility of a teams supporters should be, but that doesnt mean i do not want to hear what you have to say. hit me up

    • Short Diezel

      [Comment ID #31297 Will Be Quoted Here]

      Varsity.. if you don’t want people to voice their opinion then you should even have these comment sections.. think about it

    • http://nba.com JAY

      AGAIN “SHORT DIEZEL” IS RIGHT ON THE MONEY W/ THIS ONE THIS VARSITY DOU*HE BAG HAS GOT NOTHING TO SAY AT ALL..NOTHING. HE CAN’T EVEN RESPOND STRAIGHT UP. WHAT YOU GOTTA SAY?

      WE DON’T HAVE TO E-MAIL YOU CAN TELL US FANS STRAIGHT UP. BUT I GUESS YOU BACKING UP BECAUSE YOU GOT NOTHING TO SAY TO BACK YOUR A** UP.

      I AIN’T GOING TO E-MAIL YOU HOMIE.

    • Scott

      Great article. Keep up the good work. Too many shrill loud mouths as “fans”.

    • http://llll@yahoo.com lakers_fans

      REMINDER LAKER FANS….WE NEED TO BE LOUD IN STAPLES MAKE SOME NOISE..>!!!!!!!!!!!

    • JBMONKEYMAN

      Yah sorry dude, this article is sort of lame. I was just about to post a few disagreements about your post when i noticed that alot of people had already beat me to the punch. Is your love for matt “money” smith another lakers nation april fools joke? Money has alot of good takes but i would hardly consider his opinion to be infallible. Nor would I hardly consider being the KROQ sports guy as some kind of untouchable resume. Yet, Stu and Joel (who really do have the experience) are left wide open to criticism and disrespect? Im all for having a laugh, but please include your man crush money in that same conversation. The way you are talking reminds me of those Jim Rome clones who has completely drank the Kool Aid and think Jim infallible. If you are Moses, is matt “money” smith the god who decreed these 10 commandments?

    • JBMONKEYMAN

      However, it does seem that some people are getting a little over the top with the criticism of your post, i think you are a good writer, you just need to think a little bit more before you post next time.

    • http://nba.com JAY

      JBMONKEYMAN..THANK YOU

      THIS DUDE AIN’T GOING TO RESPOND TO WHAT WE GOTTA SAY CUZ HE KNOW THAT WE RIGHT AND HE AIN’T..THAT’S JUST THE WAY IT IS..PUT IT THIS WAY..

      I ALREADY KNOW WHAT HE’S THINKING WHILE HE WAS WRITING THIS ARTICLE..

      HE’S THINKING…”WOW…LAKERS FANS ARE REALLY DUMB” I JUST F*CKING HATE THE WAY THIS DUDE WROTE ABOUT US. ITS LIKE “WTF??” WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE…..MOSES?? IF YOU REALLY HATE WHAT THE FANS GOTTA SAY…THEN JUST LIKE I SAID EARLIER THIS WHOLE POST-GAME LAKER LINE FORUM SHOULD BE ON AIR AT ALL.

      ITS LAMES LIKE THIS VARSITY DUDE THAT RUIN IT FOR US LAKERS FANS.
      LAMES LIKE THIS ARE NOT TRUE LAKERS FAN
      LAMES LIKE THIS IS JUST ANOTHER BLOGGER
      LAMES LIKE THIS ARE LAME AND GOT NOTHING ELSE TO DO
      BUT TO SIT AT HOME AND WRITE SOME STUPID DUMB POINTLESS ARTICLE
      TO P!SS US LAKERS FANS OFF.

      ..NUFF SAID

      GO LAKERS NATION!

    • LakerFan24

      Just wanted to let all you know that Gasol practiced a full practice today and no swelling was found upon completion of the practice. He is expected to start tomorrow vs Portland. Here is the article for confirmation…This is definitely great news for LA! Keep watching tonights games for they hold high implications for the playoff race. Denver v Phoenix / SA v GSW / SAC v HOU

      http://www.latimes.com/sports/basketball/nba/lakers/la-sp-lakerep2apr02,1,4423463.story

    • lakerlaker

      i though javaris looks more like dave chappelle

    • http://www.myspace.com/mitchterry4 unstoppable423

      What Do The +/- stats mean on a box score?

    • kisofdeath

      i guess im not suppose to know how much kobe scored or how many block shots ronny had…just because im not a statistician i shouldn’t keep up with stats? the box score is available to the public for a reason

      i cant pretend to play GM and have ideas? well then you should stopped pretending to be Moses with his 10 commandments

      i cant have an opinion on whats happens in the game if i dont get paid? well did you get paid to write this article? your a FAN not a journalist

      do you work for am570? if you dont then let them handle it…they could always do screenings, its possible for TV to censor live footage why dont they censor these people if they find it in appropriate. BECAUSE THEY DONT ONLY YOU DO….

      oh yea i guess a forum, message board, chat room, sports bar talk, or any form of discussion should be banned and us fans should just shut up and watch TV…get serious

      smh @ TLN for even posting this they should have just gutted it down to the look alikes thats the only good part

    • iLakers

      i think this varsity dude is talking about the laker fans who started that mini-riot when the lakers won the ship in 2000.

      that was some dumb ish…and its these fans who root for the lakers like they got no sense…its these fans that go on the air and make fools of themselves.

      lets not give reason to stupidity now. dont make up excuses to act like fools.

    • MILO

      [Comment ID #31293 Will Be Quoted Here]

      AMEN!!!

    • Luis24

      i am a BIG Laker fan, but I’m going to be honest I’m not a fan of Phil Jackson. He is way overrated for the people who said he won 9 chips, I KNOW, but tell me if you Had Mike and Pip or Shaq and Kob you would not win, I have many things to back my stuff up. When Kobe is hot, Phil takes him out saying to share the rock, does not play Ariza when he first came, or Benga and Ira. These are defensive players. Phil is an OFFENSE first.also he let’s otherteams go like on 10-0 runs. You can diss on me, but come on he did have The glove, mailman, Kob, and Shaq. As much as I was tearing up inside we lost in the Finals to a defensive team. I AM A LAKER FAN,

    • varsityoptimism

      you all entirely missed the point. i would love to spell it out plain and simple:
      I AM NOT DISCOURAGING YOUR RIGHT TO HAVE AN OPINION. there is just a way to do it without throwing the team under the bus.

      if you actually read the story, or understood sarcasm, you would not find one sentence where i demean “fans”.

      i just find it so futile to even talk about certain topics. nobody affiliated with the team is listening, and they are definitely not going to take a fans advice. they have highly trained and handsomely paid employees who tackle those daunting and tedious tasks.

      i love all laker fans and i love this team to an unhealthy extent.

      i will endure criticism of my writing, if it is not for you, it is not for you. im not asking to be loved and revered by everyone.

      but to not mistake my unorthodox and irreverent style for indifference and abhorrence.

      i love all of the members of the lakers nation, even if you dont like me.

      like i said, i will answer any question you have or clear up any controversy you may see.

      drop me an email, or leave me a comment.

      _varsity optimism

    • sammo

      I’ve always thought that Andrew Bynum looked a lot like Gary Coleman, “The Different Strokes” days!

    • DFish0.4

      [Comment ID #31307 Will Be Quoted Here]

      hey i totally agree with you he does look like dave chappelle ha ha ha aha ha

    • http://paulmcrae.ca jedi34567

      III. Thou Shalt Not Take Phil’s Name in Vain.

      Hey, Luis24, I think you are way off with the Phil stuff. MJ, Scottie and the gang didn’t win anything until he showed up and Shaq and Kobe couldn’t win squat until he came to town. It isn’t a coincidence.

      And while Phil has an offensive philosophy (the Triangle), he isn’t an offensive coach (he certainly doesn’t call every offensive play like Avery Johnson does). I would say he is a better defensive coach and I think this year’s team is driving him nuts with their defensive inconsistency.

      I still believe that if Malone didn’t go down early in the Finals, the Lakers would have won that series. They just didn’t have anyone to match up with Rasheed.

    • MILO

      [Comment ID #31323 Will Be Quoted Here]

      whatever dude!

    • Bynumin2010

      Are you guys serious?

      This article wasn’t insulting Lakers fans.

      It was aimed at critiquing some of the ridiculous and obnoxious tendencies of SOME callers who do not consider how ridiculous they are being.

      While I dont necessarily agree with all of the points, certainly there is alot of validity to the article as a whole.

      Attacking this guy for writing an article laced with sarcasm and humor and turning him into some kindof anti-laker villain is absolutely absurd.

      Lighten up.

    • varsity optimism rules

      [Comment ID #31280 Will Be Quoted Here]

      To ShortDiezel, Jay, and all of you other ignorant bashers of a brilliant article, perhaps you should do a little more reading in your lifetime and you’ll see that THIS article, and THIS writer, right here is what it’s all about.

      Obviously, the makers of this website are smart enough to see Varsity’s talent and just because you’re too bird-brained to realize his eloquence in speech and subject doesn’t mean you have to right to say he should be fired.

      So, JAY… take your caps-lock off and go read a book.
      It might expand your pea brain.

      Keep up the good work Varsity.
      Don’t let these idiots bring you down.

    • varsity optimism rules

      [Comment ID #31305 Will Be Quoted Here]
      You ruin Lakers fans all by yourself with your incorrect grammar, terrible punctuation and lack of common sense.

      Congrats, dude. You, yes you are the biggest bad of douche I have ever encountered in my life.

    • varsity optimism rules

      bag*

    • ALCNDRGRL

      As a long-time listener of Lakers Line this article made me laugh out loud. It’s only not funny if you take it seriously which CLEARLY was not the author’s intention and I agree with varsity optimism rules, somebody needs to brush up on their grammar.

      PS.
      “Ain’t” isn’t a word.
      And “word” ain’t a proper way to end a sentence.
      Yeah. I went there.

    • Luis24

      Michael and Pip would of wo, BEFORE Phil came Mj and pip still took them to the Eastern conference Finals, BEFORE Phil Kobe and Shaq still went to the Western conference Finals and Shaq went to the Finals with Magic without Phil, also Rice Harper and a couple other people joined the team.he is not a terrible coach but overrated. This is the same man that started Kwame, Smush and Luke, does not play Ira or Coby who has great enthusiasm

    • http://nba.com JAY

      NOBODY’S THROWING ANYBODY OFF THE DAMN BUS…THAT’S JUST THE WAY LAKERS FANS ARE AND IF YOU DON’T KNOW THAT BY NOW THEN I GUESS ALL YOU LAME ASSES THAT’S ALL UP ON VARSITY OPTIMISMS NUTSACK ARE A BUNCH OF MORONS THAT DON’T KNOW OR EVEN PAY ATTENTION TO THE GAMES.

      OPINIONS DON’T COUNT REMEMBER THAT…IT’S JUST AN OPINION IT’S HUMAN NATURE ITS A DAMN REACTION THAT’S HOW LAKERS FANS ARE…WERE’ PASSIONATE ABOUT OUR TEAM…THAT’S WHY WE SUPPORT THEM ALL THE WAY..IT CAN BE A NEGATIVE OR POSITIVE OPINION IT JUST DOESNT COUNT…ITS A HUMAN FEELING THAT’S HOW HUMANS ARE,,

      THAT GOES FOR YOU TO “VARSITY CHEERLEADER RULES” YOU SHOULD BE A LAKER GIRL CUZ YOU WHINE LIKE A LITTLE GIRL AND YOU JUST LOVE VARSITY OPTIMISM WAY TOO DAMN MUCH…STUPID F*CK OUTTA HERE

    • http://swishtheball.net Billy Kupchak

      ok well here is just ne thing that the akers front office needs to know and hat is that we ned a better defensive point guard

    • Devean George

      anyone taking this sh*t seriously is gay.

      just wanna say that i had my first triple-single tonight!

      1 point, 1 rebound, 1 assist! almost had a steal but i ate popcorn before the game….

    • Bynumin2010

      This isnt related but does anyone else think it is RIDICULOUS how deep this team is at every position??

      With a healthy Bynum, our frontcourt features: Bynum, Gasol, Turiaf, Mihm, Odom, Mbenga. That is ridiculous depth at the 4/5 spots.

      Sasha and Jordan provide great backcourt depth and we still havent mentioned Luke, Vlad, and Ariza.

      Thats 8 players that come off the bench and have a strong impact.

      Deepest bench in league + best coach in league+ best player in league +best young center in league = championship in 2008