The End of the World: Laker Nation Style

Courtesy of Getty Images

Courtesy of Getty Images

In light of the failed Mayan prediction that the world would end on December 21, 2012, here are some of the Apocalyptic scenarios for Laker Nation.

Dwight Howard Will Leave the Lakers

Dwight Howard will become disillusioned with his Laker teammates and the Lakers front office. He will realize that he is stuck with a very old team and a coach who does not teach defense. Howard will also realize that he can never step out of the shadow of Shaquille O’Neal and Kobe Bryant, even after Bryant retires. The Hollywood limelight does not shine very bright upon Howard because of the struggles of the team. His megawatt smile cannot save his horrid free throw shooting or the defensive breakdowns of his teammates. The Lakers will continue to play terrible basketball and Howard will immediately bolt for the Dallas Mavericks at the end of the season.

Kobe Bryant Will Never Return to the NBA Finals

Once Dwight Howard leaves, Kobe Bryant will be left with a broken team and a fan base with a broken heart. He cannot repair such a situation especially in his last year and with a 35 year-old body. Bryant cannot physically and mentally endure a period like the Smush-Kwame era again. He needs to depend on the youth and athleticism of a Dwight Howard to bring him back to the Promised Land. But without him Bryant will end his career ingloriously and will have no one to pass on the keys to the kingdom to.

The Clippers Will Win an NBA Championship

Imagine a championship parade rolling down the Figueroa with players touting the Larry O’Brien trophy. But what if the parade floats were clad with red, white, and blue and Donald Sterling was the one hoisting a banner at Staples Center? For the Los Angeles Clippers to win an NBA championship would be the ultimate nightmare for the average Laker fan. The city has always viewed the Clippers as “the other team” or “little brother”. But now little brother is now faster, younger, and more athletic with a genius floor general in Chris Paul while older brother is slow and wasting away clinging to the past. The sting of Stern’s infamous veto will pain Laker Nation in the most severe way with a Clippers title.

Jim Buss Will Run the Lakers Into the Ground

With the help of Chaz “the Bartender” Osbourne as a Lakers scout, Jim Buss will continue to make bone-head moves. The ways of Buss will lead to epic gaffes that will rival picking Sam Bowie over Michael Jordan. He will alienate every significant person that has ever been associated with the Lakers including members of his own family. He will sit on his lonely throne, wear a crown that does not fit, and watch a great kingdom crumble. He will be crippled by his arrogance and incompetence and will not be able to act. The Lakers will be ruined by this one man.

Lebron James: GOAT

Lebron Raymond James will be hailed as the greatest basketball player to ever play the game. Such a statement is seen as blasphemous by Laker fans and most seasoned basketball fans who had the privilege of witnessing the NBA during the 80’s and 90’s. Every true basketball fan and every true Laker fan knows that Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player of all time. Those who think that James is the greatest are bandwagon fans who only started watching basketball in 2003.

Unlike Jordan or Kobe Bryant, James has been worshiped since he was in middle school and greatly depended on his unprecedented athletic talent. The culture of the game will take on the mentality of James and his foolish followers. He has always had everything handed to him on a sliver platter and was bitterly surprised when he did not win a title in his first year with the Miami Heat. But the absence of a dominant Laker team to defend all that is good in basketball will allow James to string together several championship runs and earn a title that does should never belong to him.