Section 316 is a weekly essay series by Writer Andrew Rafner. Each Friday Andrew will explore a theme relating to the deeper world of Lakers basketball. This week’s essay…

The Ex-Girlfriend

You made a skirt from an old tablecloth,
and I hope your new boyfriend thinks its real cute,
and sometimes I wish that I could just chop off the chunk of my life that I wasted on you

– Paul Baribeau

There are two pretty distinct paths you can choose to travel during the course of a serious breakup.

You can:

A) Let them hang around and sadistically hope their life crumbles to dust before your eyes.


B) Let them simply disappear, allowing for unnerving moments of overwhelming curiosity and discontent.

Granted, there are inherent flaws and variables within these two courses of action, but in reality, it is the best we have done as far as breakups go (Especially in 2009, where, like it or not, you are going to be faced with some stupid mini-feed, status update telling you some nugget of information you wish you had not seen about your scorned lover).

It is easier to let them simply cease to be a part of your world. Let them drift off. Try and forget they ever existed.

Unfortunately, break-ups in the NBA force you into watching your former mates every move… and that is not fun.

Over the last five seasons, this has been the plight of the Lakers, forced to watch their ex-girlfriend Shaquille O’Neal, find the man who is everything they were not, marry him, have kids and move into a quaint suburban home.

The life they expected to live with him.

Except they didn’t.

And just as quickly as it happened, the miracle was over for the ex: Divorce, pathetic one-night stands, maybe a bout with alcoholism, and before they knew it, the ex-girlfriend returned with Louis Amundson, Alando Tucker, Goran Dragic and Jared Dudley by his side.

And it was at this moment that I found my closure with the Lakers ex-girlfriend.

It was just sort of… sad.

It didn’t undo the pain of watching him hold the O’Brien Trophy alongside Dwayne effing Wade in Miami and it didn’t make the Tell Me How My Ass Tastes rap any more tolerable. It didn’t make all those pitiful nicknames cute.

It just made me sad, sad that a man who once brought so much joy to the franchise has fallen so far.

I would never wish what has befallen Shaquille O’Neal late in his career on anyone. Not even my ex-girlfriends.

  • fabz24lakers

    It’s crazy that this article’s on because ever since Shaq left…i used the same analogy…….GO LAKERS!!!!! MUCK FARBURY AND CUCK THE FELTICS!!!do the math!!!!

  • 3 wyshes

    I am not sad at all that Shaq is going through these hard times now. His big mouth and Ego have made me sick even when he was wearing a Lakers uniform. But it is true what they say winning heals everything and when we won i wasnt saying much about him. But its just sad to see that these last 2 seasons as bad as they have been for Shaq’s teams that he has not been humbled by it one bit. He still thinks he is the #1 option on his team. Good stuff Andrew.

  • Mitch4Pres

    this dude andrew rafner is beast

  • pau

    please, your metaphors are tired. can you even write an article without some long drawn out analogy?

  • Andrew Rafner

    [Comment ID #63127 Will Be Quoted Here]

    then it wouldnt be any fun!

  • Freshh

    Where have you been good sir?

  • Paul

    Let’s just sign him next year.

  • Andrew Rafner

    [Comment ID #63153 Will Be Quoted Here]

    ew. no.

  • tripleocho

    [Comment ID #63127 Will Be Quoted Here]
    So true. Why doesn’t anyone else see this?

  • imfasterthanur

    [Comment ID #63169 Will Be Quoted Here]

    Give the man a break. It’s a nice creative alternative compared to the technical style of writing that covets 99% of sport.

    If you’ve ever experienced an ex-girlfriend do well in life, just to fall flat on her face, then you’d see the parallel which makes it more interesting than an “A+B=C” article.

    Kudos, Mr. Rafner. It takes “balls” to publish a personal style of writing – explaining why I stopped blogging myself and am sticking to a journal lol.

  • kobe4ever

    Feb 28th, 2009 at 12:21 am Click this link to quote this comment in your reply

    pau on February 27, 2009 at 6:00 pm said:

    please, your metaphors are tired. can you even write an article without some long drawn out analogy?

    So true. Why doesn’t anyone else see this?

    I see it too, but no need to hate, he’s obviously trying and its not a terrible read. KEEP IT UP ANDREW!

  • patrick

    good read andrew, i always go option 2.

  • hello

    umm… shaq just owned us. he hasn’t fallen quite as far as claimed. that guy has earned his All-Star berth this year. and that team of apparent misfits (the Suns), beat us fair and square – and we had rest. this article is a bit of a stretch.