David Stern is a man to be respected. Thanks to his genius, millions of guys all over America asked themselves this question sometime on or around the afternoon of Valentine’s Day:

“I wonder how I can watch All-Star Saturday and somehow avoid waking up completely alone tomorrow morning?”

I don’t know about you, but it’s just not the same if you don’t watch it live. I can imagine the phone calls guys were making around 6:30p:

Girl: Hello.
Guy: Hey baby! So, you’re not going to believe this…
Girl: Believe what?
Guy: I’m in jail.
Girl: What!?
Guy: I was so excited to come pick you up for this absurdly expensive date I planned eleven months ago, that I was flying through this school zone at 130 mph.
Girl: You drive an ’86 Toyota Celica.
Guy: Nah baby, I rented a Ferrari to come pick you up.
Girl: So, I’m supposed to be -
Guy: Listen baby, I can’t talk long. I’ve posted bail and I’ll be there sometime between 9 and 9:30, depending on how long the dunk – I mean deputy- takes to file the paperwork. I gotta’ go post bail, I love you baby, I can’t wait to see you tonight!

(If anything close to this asinine happened in your relationship, please do share your story with the world.)

Before I get to some of my random observations from All-Star Weekend, here’s a fairly disturbing stat about Kobe Bryant and the Lakers (Courtesy of James & Dan in New Mexico): The Lakers are 0-2 this season when Kobe follows up a big shot by exhibiting the “My testicles hang awkwardly low on both sides” dance down the sideline. Can we somehow relay this information to him? The NBA would be a much safer place for children if we never saw that dance again.

Without further ado, here are my random observations from All-Star Weekend, 2009:

The Non-3 Point Shooting Contest.
Millions of undersized, uncoordinated children watched this and thought, “With a few hours of hard work, I could win the NBA 3-point contest.” You know what, they’re probably right.

Chris Tuckers Losing Battle with Face-Obesity.
How are more people not talking about this? Apparently, Chris has been on a strict diet of donuts and whole milk since he filmed Rush Hour 3. I wonder if there’s some sort of face-crunch he can start doing.

The “I’ve Seen Better Dunks on NBA Live ’08″ Dunk Contest.
The real winner here was last years’ dunk contest, which compared to this one, suddenly seems legendary and way better than it actually was.

Craig Sager’s Thrift Store Suits.
Craig, we were originally appalled by your clothing choices. Then, we laughed and thought you were a pretty funny guy. After this weekend, we’re leaning back towards being appalled again.

The Cheerleader Strippers Show during the Starting Lineups.
Obviously, somebody forgot to install about a dozen poles on the stage. Those girls looked more unorganized and confused than the director of Donnie Darko.

Lebron James Could Be From Another Planet.
I am completely convinced that King (I.e. Prince) James may really be a King; from another planet that breads athletic freaks that defy earthly physics. I vote that he plays Jason Voorhees in the next Friday the 13th and simply bull rushes people to their death. It would be the most terrifying horror film of all time.

The Tennis Crowd in Phoenix.
There couldn’t have been less excitement in the Phoenix crowd if the Clippers were doing a basketball camp for mute students. Somewhere in New York, Mike D’Antoni is smiling, right before he remembers that Kobe and Lebron combined to score 113 points in two games against his defenseless Knicks.

Superman Gets Out-Supermanned by Superman.
The in-game highlight of All-Star Weekend had to be Shaq passing the ball through Dwight Howard’s legs, then slipping backdoor for an uncontested dunk. It looks like Superman isn’t quite ready to be replaced in the sequel just yet.

The Paul Pierce Hack-a-Flop-a-Thon.
Pierce has developed quite a knack for appearing to be fouled, and then turning around and fouling… in an all-star game. In his 19 minutes, he shot 6 free throws and committed 3 fouls. I am convinced he has a button of some sort that causes a ref’s whistle to blow. There’s just no other explanation.

The Kobe and Shaq Lovefest 2009.
When I wrote about a Shaq/Kobe/Phil reunion last month, I couldn’t have possibly penned it any better than it played out. The word giddy does a great job describing the way I felt as I watched Shaq and Kobe stand side-by-side to receive their MVP Award(s). It was a great ending to a relatively mediocre all-star weekend. An ending that just may have been scripted after all.

Like I told you, David Stern is a man to be respected.

Jason Riley is a columnist for the Lakers Nation. In addition to this column, he writes on an array of topics that you can check out by visiting J-Ri.com. You can email him by clicking here, or look him up on Facebook.

  • eagleslakers2011

    hahhahahaha!!! Lmao that was toooo funny

  • portman

    everything was funny but the “lebron james could be from another planet” segment. that was just not funny in a non-lebron-fan sort of way.

  • domz

    at least he said that lebron could at the Friday the 13th movie.

  • Retrospect

    [Comment ID #62061 Will Be Quoted Here]

    Lol.

  • http://TheVerveNerve.com Billy Kupchak

    “David Stern is a man to be respected. Thanks to his genius, millions of guys all over America asked themselves this question sometime on or around the afternoon of Valentine’s Day:

    “I wonder how I can watch All-Star Saturday and somehow avoid waking up completely alone tomorrow morning?”

    I don’t know about you, but it’s just not the same if you don’t watch it live. I can imagine the phone calls guys were making around 6:30p:

    Girl: Hello.
    Guy: Hey baby! So, you’re not going to believe this…
    Girl: Believe what?
    Guy: I’m in jail.
    Girl: What!?
    Guy: I was so excited to come pick you up for this absurdly expensive date I planned eleven months ago, that I was flying through this school zone at 130 mph.
    Girl: You drive an ‘86 Toyota Celica.
    Guy: Nah baby, I rented a Ferrari to come pick you up.
    Girl: So, I’m supposed to be -
    Guy: Listen baby, I can’t talk long. I’ve posted bail and I’ll be there sometime between 9 and 9:30, depending on how long the dunk – I mean deputy- takes to file the paperwork. I gotta’ go post bail, I love you baby, I can’t wait to see you tonight!

    (If anything close to this asinine happened in your relationship, please do share your story with the world.)”

    this ain’t funny if/when it REALLY happens to you! :cool:

  • Dan

    Seriously, the big balls dance after a huge shot near the end of a close game needs to end. It may be a curse of some sort. Recently this celebratory dance preceded the Roger Mason 4 point play vs the Spurs and more recently against the Jazz. Memo Okur drains a 3 after Kobe’s big balls dance then tries a version of the dance himself. Mr. Riley please look into this disturbing trend.

  • penistone

    bwhahahaahaha this realy CRACKED me up BIGTYM!

  • lakers2000

    Haa Haa! The Chris Tucker thing was hilarious. I thought he looked bloated myself. Paul Pierce was his normal annoying self. He sounded like he had KG stuck in his throat. I also love to hear Shaq dis Craig Sager’s ridiculous suits. He always looks like he mugged a rodeo clown. I would love to see Shaq do an interview in a gaudy outfit to see Craigs reaction. Good times.

  • celtic killa

    WORST PART OF THIS WEEKEND IS THE NEWS THAT THE CHAMPIONSHIP TROPHY IS GOING TO BE NAMED AFTER BILL RUSSELL……..WHY MUST THIS HAPPEN ON THE YEAR WE WIN IT?

  • ottawa loves lakers

    Great stuff, really funny!

  • Shmarla

    nice. once again, you do not disappoint!

  • ab4sure

    Keep writing Riley. That is some good stuff.