Special thanks to John ‘Fatty’ Fatland for writing this take and giving us the privilege to add it to TheLakersNation.com. Again, if you guys see anything Lakers related that you think deserves to be put up, just e-mail us at articles@TheLakersNation.com.

Team USA plays in Las Vegas for the Olympic Qualifier. The cold hard facts of our mission are quite simple. Team USA MUST win or were not going to the Olympics in Beijing.

In Athens, our team of “Super Heroes” let us down. Led by Wade, Lebron, and A.I., we were completely embarrassed . “Super Heroes” became “Super Duds”. To some, they even became “Super Villains”, when they refused to watch our women play for the Gold. Anyway you look at it, our comic book guys were a joke, as the World’s Teams Smacked! Powed! and Clobbered! them.

Who can save us from disaster? Is there anyone that can save the day? Who can defeat the Evil American Foes of Basketball and rightfully restore the dignity we deserve in winning the Gold? Why, it’s none other than “Super Kobe” and his sidekick “Jason the Kidd!” Add this “Dynamic Duo” to our already assembled “NBA League of Extraordinary Unordinary Allstars” and this team will dazzle, twirl, spin, jump and soar to new heights.

When foes try to stop “Super Kobe” with a 12 on 1 scheme, Kobe will “dish for a swish” to “Big Redd” and “Mighty Miller”. Three’s will rain from the sky until “our inferior foe will beg for no more.” Kobe will pass to Jason the Kidd who will use his “inviso machine” to sneak the pass to “Atomic Amare” and “Howard the Hunk” to “Thunder Slam” it home. And if that is not enough, “King Kong James” will pulverize and crush any remaining pieces of what is left. “Me King, me step on foes like ants.”

Just try and score against our guys. I dare you to. If some how, somebody can even get by our “rubberized stretching stealing hands” our “Wall of Decision” (So named because our opponents have to decide either to shoot and watch the ball sent back flying to the outer reaches of the Universe, or get on there knees and beg for mercy) will end any hope they ever had of scoring.

This team is that good.

In case you haven’t noticed. There is more at stake than just a game for Team USA. Our pride, our dignity, our way of life is being challenged. (OK, a bit of a stretch) But these games are very important. The world of mere basketball mortals thinks they are now better than us. The games are on center stage to the Basketball World. And that puts Kobe on the center pedestal to the known universe.

Kobe’s foes are salivating and praying for Kobe to prove them right. “Kobe Haters” want the world to see just how selfish he his. Super Villain Kobe, in all his glory will amaze, but lead this team to defeat. And they will be gleeful if TEAM USA loses.

“Kobe Lover’s” won’t even care who wins or loses. They will just enjoy the moment like a July 4th fireworks show. The more Kobe, the better.

“Kobe Appreciates” will marvel at this “Super Hero,” to see just how good this guy really can be, finally seeing for the first time, what he can do, when surrounded by quality players. And wishing and praying for some of this talent to come the Laker’s way.

Kobe knows the moment. He is preparing. Will he rise like all true Super Heroes do and seize the day? Where do you put Kobe? A Super Villain or a Super Hero?

Mark your calendars. August 22 it begins…

  • The Nugget

    I did this image like three years ago — I knew it would look perfect with Fatty’s article. :D

  • http://hzmdesigns.com hZm

    Nugget, Nugget, Nugget…

    Spotlight always has to be on you huh?

  • The Nugget

    [quote comment=”12000″]Nugget, Nugget, Nugget…

    Spotlight always has to be on you huh?[/quote]
    Am surprised your headers don’t have “By hZm” all over them. ;-)

  • fatty

    This is what a person does on slow news day.

    Rats, I checked it 5 times and I’m still finding mispelled stuff.

    “our inferior foe will beg for no moe”.”

  • The Nugget

    ^^ I fixed ‘em. :)

  • fatty


    Actually, I purposely mispelled those words so they would rhyme. haha

  • cyrus

    I’m proud of my friend Fatty writing this great peace, wrapped in his ever clean, but to-the-point humor.

    Thank you Fatty, I truly enjoyed reading it. I just have one question:
    How did you get all those names so fast? almost overnight; “Atomic Amare” – “Howard the Hunk” “Thunder Slam”- “King Kong James”-“Jason The Kidd.” I am totally impressed

    Did Chloe, Sammy, Montgomery, Margaret and Chico help you find does names? LOL


    hZm love the wallpaper u made looks good. its on my background :) keep doing your thing


    yea i like all the names… and great article but who is thunder slam???

  • fatty


    I have to admit, I was more than afraid to submitt a piece. But you and Faith inspired me to give it a try. This article actually started off serious, but was so bad that I decided to try and salvage it by trying to make it funny. Usually I laugh the hardest at my own stuff and laugh alone. If my wife sees somebody laughing at something I say, she will admonish them “you only are encourging him”.

    By the way, a special thanks to Thelakersnation.com staff for letting me have some fun today and a very special thanks from my wife to TheLakersnation.com for humoring me, so she doesn’t have to listen to me talk Lakers to her 24/7.

  • fatty

    “Thunder Slam” is an adjetive describing the super natural dunk of Atomic and Hunk. It just wasn’t phrased well.

    Sorry for the confusion.

  • Faith

    LOL, good one Fatty.

    This year/olympic’s USA team will certainly be something to behold. It’s still up in the air whether they’ll click and win…but on paper (and we know why they play the games lol) they’re unbeateable.

  • cyrus

    Cyrus correcting Cyrus:
    “….Fatty writing this great -peace-,”
    It should read: “….. Fatty writing this great -PIECE-”

    Sorry,I always think of “Peace” because I am “peaceful” guy.

  • Faith

    Dudes…awesome! Everytime I reload, a different player on the banner. Props!

  • fatty


    My daughter looked at the art. and said it was ok, but the picture of Kobe was awsome. Go figure. She’s also the one who doesn’t want Kwame traded, because he’s the cutest Laker. She also wants to attend USC because of the school colors and they have a good football team. What does she know?!!

  • cyrus

    Where is that meter dude? did you fix it? it was giving us very low readings, way below the realistic probability.

  • fatty

    Meter Dude has been sharing stuff on the shout box. But check this out.

    JO to LA [39%]
    Jo to NJ [19%]
    Jo to Ch [02%]
    Jo to stay at Indy [59%]
    The Lakers stand pat, no more trades [59%]

    Little has been said. Indy and the Lakers seem to be holding firm. Someone may crack, but who? not sure. Meanwhile he say’s it 72 with a 50% chance of thunder showers.

  • cyrus

    So you haven’t fixed it yet. because my meter dude is showing:

    JO to LA [59%]
    Jo to NJ [19%]
    Jo to Ch [02%]
    Jo to stay at Indy [39%]
    The Lakers stand pat, no more trades [43%]

    Why would JO come out like that and say what he said? There is something cooking, and as soon as our beloved GM comes back form his well deserved vacation (after so many difficult and multi-team trades, he must have been exhausted), he will roll up his sleeves, spit his palms and wave his magic wand to get JO to LA. it will happen, you’ll see. Your Meter dude is the outdated model. Get a new one, like I did.

  • fatty


    Remember, he only measures proballity based on articles and feelings on a daily basis. For instance, today some articles said Jo is standing pat, those other articles were lies. Now WE know what Jo really said in LA, but so much stuff has come out showing the contrary.

    Now my take, is that the Lakers and Indy are at an impass but both teams are serious about making a deal. Indy is trying to better the Lakers deal but are not having any success. They may come around and ask for less. Then the Lakers might come around and offer a little more. Both teams are postering. “Oh we are just fine, we dont need to change a thing” Right! I think this is how the process works when both teams dont really like each other.

    If the Lakers don’t have any other deals working, they will just wait. For the Lakers, there deadline will be training camp. The triangle is too hard to make a major shift in personal during the season. Just my thoughts, nothing for sure. Based on what Mitch said in an interview last year on why the Lakers are not high on big trades in season. I personally think it will happen. Jo’s value is as high as it will ever get and the Lakers are the only team willing to take such an incredible salary if the conditions are right.

  • Fan of the Mamba


    This site rocks!

    Fatty you’re still the best adventure story teller I’ve read on any blog.


  • cyrus

    “They may come around and ask for less. Then the Lakers might come around and offer a little more. Both teams are postering. “Oh we are just fine, we don’t need to change a thing””

    I agree, that’s a logical take and it’s true in sports business like any. We leave at that Fatty, hopefully we are right and the missing piece will be attached soon.

  • la

    Fatty, good article, but let LeBron James earn the title as king.

  • MILO

    LA’ I totaly agree with you

  • MILO

    I say LOL is old lets try PUL (POINTING UP LAUGHIN) ha ha LeBron is an overated player he will always be a prince and maybe and i mean maybe when Kobe retires he will be able to be called the king but im shure that other players will have something to say about that!!!

  • fatty

    LA and Milo

    Notice, I didnt say King James. I said “King Kong James”
    and I made him talk like a caveman.“Me King, me step on foes like ants.”

    James ain’t the King yet, but you have to admit, the guy can ball.

  • http://www.lakers.com Ed

    LeBron is the most overrated player in NBA HISTORY!!!! He can’t make a jump shot to save his life. LeBron will never be a King, maybe a princess, and he will never win a championship. When he retires like Karl Malone did, without a champioship, everyone will realize that he was the most overrated player in NBA history.

  • MILO

    fATTY, i gues i misunderstood your point but now that you clarified that for me it makes perfect sense thanks u for that, its actulaly realy funny and yes he realy can ball but like ED said he’s more like a princess (PUL)POINTING UP LAUGHING

  • MILO

    Ed, that LeBron is a princess that’s so funny! dam thats got to be the uglyest princess in the world (PUL) POINTING UP LAUGHING ha ha ha good one Ed!!!!!

  • MILO

    Ed, I agree with you on the whole Karl Malone thing I also partly blame him for tha loss against Detroit in the final’s i mean the guy was out there limping like a dog ca’mon you cant posively provide no defense like that,i dont know why Phill let him play like that. I dont care if he’s a veteran the guy was injured.O well there will be other opportunities.But to be honest im glad Malone retired!!!!