It is currently 112° outside. I’ve had nine Otter Pops in the last two hours and there is not a lick of NBA basketball on.
That sounds like summer.
I have long since buried the 2007-08 season in a shallow and easily accessible grave and have been pining for some sort of respite from beach days and staying up all night.
If I may, I would like to humbly submit the Varsityoptimism’s Fool Proof Summer Kit for SUCCESS! These are things you can do to save yourself from Summer sorrow and certain heat exhaustion, use them as necessary and as often as you can…
1. SUMMER PRO LEAGUE!
Do you enjoy marginally organized basketball? Do you like watching raw young “talent” displayed in the fabulous Pyramid in Long Beach? Well, for a magical few afternoons, make the pilgrimage to the land of the Dirtbag and Sublime for undoubtedly the best Pro-Am basketball taking place within a 30 mile radius.
I have always wanted to get really into the SPL teams. Treat it like it is something more than just a glorified Pick-up Rec. Center league, and I really feel 2008 could be that year. JOIN ME!
2. SASHARONNY WATCH 2008!
Last summer we had Kobe Watch, which, for what it was, was an exhilarating and thrilling time in all of our lives. The summer of ’08 has a little different tone, yet it is of ultimate importance that these dudes are given their contracts. They were integral parts in the Lakers NBA Finals run and need to be rewarded as such.
That is why I am calling for all members of the Lakers Nation to be on high alert for our Slovenian and Martiniquais warriors. Keep the Nation abreast of their every move.
If you see Ronny suspiciously wearing the Teal and Purple of the Hurrrrrrrnets, make sure to bust out that camera phone and snap that.
If Sash is caught even thinking about one of the Association’s 29 glorious squads (especially them darn HAWKS*), walk up to him, grab him by his fashionably scruffy face, lightly tap his cheek and tell him in your proudest voice: “La Macchina vive soltanto a Los Angeles!”
*After reading the word “Hawks” make your best vicious bird noise.
3. Ολυμπιακές πάλες or 奧林匹克!
Could there be a better key to Summer SUCCESS!?
The greatest players on Earth are going to gather in Beijing for fierce competition on the World’s biggest stage.
The Red, White, and Blue of the USA fields it’s strongest team in years, anchored by none other than NBA’s MVP Kobe Bryant, who will lead his team (which I will affectionately refer to henceforth as the Screaming Eagles**) into a opening round battle against World Champion Spain who is led by fellow Laker Pau Gasol.
Dangat, this is going to be too cool.
So strike up that nationalistic spirit and brew that patriotism, because come August 8th, it needs to be simmering for some world-class basketball (oh yeah, and like a million other competitive physical feats).
Hell, I might even dust off my Pregame pen and do some hardcore propaganda for TLN. I can see it now: VARSITY SHOOTAROUND: USA SCREAMING EAGLES VS. ANGOLA FIGHTIN’ TITANS. Trust me you have to watch out for that Olimpio Cipriano, he has Olyimpics in his NAME!
** Why the Screaming Eagles? A: It is kickass. B: It is already the name of a Memorial Highway near my Hometown. C: Eagle+Screaming= AMERICA! D: I get to do those ferocious Bird of prey noises through the whole Olympiad.
4. FIND THE ALBUM/MOVIE/BOOK OF THE SUMMER!
Option four of the Varsityoptimism Proof Summer Kit for SUCCESS! actually has very little to do with basketball or the Lakers in general for that matter, but here at TLN, we are well versed, well read, and highly cultured gentlemen who all gingerly puff on pipes, live in palatial estates, race our private yachts and have spouses named Muffy.
Okay, mayyyyyybe that is not true, but we do branch out, and what better time to enlighten yourself than the dog days of summer?
Go to the record store and choose something completely new to tickle your ears and provide the soundtrack to your life for the glorious two remaining months of summer (may I suggest the new Mates of State called Re-arrange Us or The Tallest Man on Earth’s record called Shallow Grave? Do it. It will be good for you).
Dust off that copy of Phil Jackson’s Sacred Hoops and try to pick apart the Zen Master’s brain. Or, if you feel like stimulating that cerebrum a bit more, try anything by Kurt Vonnegut.
Go see a smart movie that will make all your friends hem and haw at how smart you are. I would suggest the documentary Bigger, Stronger, Faster*. It is about the world of Steroids, so its sports-esque. Just do not go see The Love Guru. I will give you $9.25 to not see that piece of garbage.
*The asterisk is part of the title, but if you want to let out another “KAWWWW” for the Screaming Eagles, feel free.
5. Vehemently VILLIFY VERDANT VESTIGES!
Or, less alliteratively, get really mad at the Celtics.
It is a masochistic path indeed, and it will lead to a dark cloud forming over the natural bright sunniness of summer, but it may provide you with a powerful journey into the depths of your very soul.
I could see it as some epic spirit quest to find your identity as a fan.
Or it might kill you.
I am too scared to even spend one more second thinking about blowing a 24 point lead in Game 4 or James Posey’s stupid mouthgaurd or Sam Cassel’s alien face or Kevin Garnett’s Crystal Skull or Ray Allen making 22 Three-Pointers in the series, of which 21 were wide open, or Leon Powe or Paul Pierce’s dang knee stunt or the human flathead screwdriver P.J. Brown or that dang Leprechaun on stilts wearing light up mittens or MARK WHALBERG OR OH MY GOSH I HATE THE CELTICS!!!!!! I HATE THEM SO MUCH!!! I EFFIN HATE THE EFFIN CELTICS! AHHHH, THEY ARE ON MY TELEVISION GALLAVANTING ABOUT! RAJON RONDO LOOKS LIKE A KITTY CAT! AHHHHHH, I HATE THE CELTICS!!!!!!
Wow…that is what happens and it is not fun. My soul feels like it has been crushed by Glen Davis’ giant ass.
Like I said, try this at your own risk.
6. Frozen Flavored Ice!
Otter Pops are your friend.
I now present the Otter Pop Roll Call…
- Louie-Bloo Raspberry!
- Strawberry Short Kook!
- Sir Isaac Lime!
- Poncho Punch!
- Alexander the Grape!
- Little Orphan Orange!
I lied about all that other stuff. These icy allies are all you need to get through the long, hot, Lakerless Summer.